measuring the gourd
my boy has found a new way to torment the peeps in the mornings. he has taken up measuring a gourd. he does this at about 7.50am, just before his taxi arrives. i am reliably informed that the creature is in fact a squash, but my boy insists on calling it the gourd. he saw a film called life of brian some time ago where apparantly a gourd played one of the main characters and he fell in love with the word.
the whole gourd thing started a while ago when herself decided to start online grocery shopping. this was when himself was very poorly. himself normally does the shopping as herself is totally inept at it. for example, in some shops there are special offers where if you buy something you get a second one free. herself would come home and himself would say "where's the other one?" to which she would reply "we only need one". himself would explain that the other one was free but she had failed to grasp this basic bit of shopping lore. and when she goes to the supermarket there is a constant stream of phones calls. "where's the tuna?" "have we got any greek yoghurt?" "which sort of salsa does little man like?" "what sort of veggie burgers should i get?" himself gets steadily more irritable and starts to mutter.
but when he was really poorly herself had to get the grocery shopping sorted out. so she decided to get things online. as she was surfing the website looking for goodies, she noticed that you could buy a veg box. this contained a random selection of odd vegetables. there were two problems with this idea. firstly, by the time she came across the veg box she had already added a huge number of vegetables to her virtual basket. it did not occur to her to go back and remove these now there was also going to be a box full of them. second, himself has a special diet to keep down the levels of phosphate and potassium in his blood as his kidneys can't get rid of it. the special diet seems to involve unholy amounts of meat (not that i am grumbling as i get the leftovers) and being banned from most vegetables.
when the online shopping turned up there was what can only be described as a plague of vegetables. some were very odd. there was also a gourd. well, technically a squash but as i said above, known in this establishment as a gourd. the gourd sat in the kitchen watching proceedings for quite some time. meanwhile herself tried to make inroads on the vegetables.
after a couple of weeks the gourd's turn came. she roasted it in the oven with olive oil and garlic and whizzed it into a rather luscious soup. even my boy liked it. however, the next day another grocery order arrived with another veg box. in this box was the gourd's brother. herself learns very slowly.
the following morning my boy ran in carrying the new gourd. "i am sure this gourd has shrunk!" "its a different gourd" said herself, "we ate the other one yesterday". my boy was having none of this. because it was in the soup it didn't look like a gourd. instead he developed a theory that the fact that he was growing was making the gourd seem smaller.
i suppose this is a bit like the theory of relativity. this is a theory developed by a man with beefburger syndrome (told you they were clever folks) called einstein. basically as you grow, your relatives seem smaller. in fact the very old relatives are really getting smaller but i'm not sure if he worked that out.
in order to keep a check on the gourd my boy started to measure it. we are now onto our third gourd (i told you she learned slowly) and here you can see my boy is carefully recording its dimensions. and you can also see that, according to his measurements it is indeed shrinking. herself pointed out that he might be measuring it at a different point in its tapering physique but the young scientist was adamant that he was not.
in any event, the gourd's days are numbered. some friends of the peeps are coming to stay tonight. roast gourd is on the menu. watch this space...
the whole gourd thing started a while ago when herself decided to start online grocery shopping. this was when himself was very poorly. himself normally does the shopping as herself is totally inept at it. for example, in some shops there are special offers where if you buy something you get a second one free. herself would come home and himself would say "where's the other one?" to which she would reply "we only need one". himself would explain that the other one was free but she had failed to grasp this basic bit of shopping lore. and when she goes to the supermarket there is a constant stream of phones calls. "where's the tuna?" "have we got any greek yoghurt?" "which sort of salsa does little man like?" "what sort of veggie burgers should i get?" himself gets steadily more irritable and starts to mutter.
but when he was really poorly herself had to get the grocery shopping sorted out. so she decided to get things online. as she was surfing the website looking for goodies, she noticed that you could buy a veg box. this contained a random selection of odd vegetables. there were two problems with this idea. firstly, by the time she came across the veg box she had already added a huge number of vegetables to her virtual basket. it did not occur to her to go back and remove these now there was also going to be a box full of them. second, himself has a special diet to keep down the levels of phosphate and potassium in his blood as his kidneys can't get rid of it. the special diet seems to involve unholy amounts of meat (not that i am grumbling as i get the leftovers) and being banned from most vegetables.
when the online shopping turned up there was what can only be described as a plague of vegetables. some were very odd. there was also a gourd. well, technically a squash but as i said above, known in this establishment as a gourd. the gourd sat in the kitchen watching proceedings for quite some time. meanwhile herself tried to make inroads on the vegetables.
after a couple of weeks the gourd's turn came. she roasted it in the oven with olive oil and garlic and whizzed it into a rather luscious soup. even my boy liked it. however, the next day another grocery order arrived with another veg box. in this box was the gourd's brother. herself learns very slowly.
the following morning my boy ran in carrying the new gourd. "i am sure this gourd has shrunk!" "its a different gourd" said herself, "we ate the other one yesterday". my boy was having none of this. because it was in the soup it didn't look like a gourd. instead he developed a theory that the fact that he was growing was making the gourd seem smaller.
i suppose this is a bit like the theory of relativity. this is a theory developed by a man with beefburger syndrome (told you they were clever folks) called einstein. basically as you grow, your relatives seem smaller. in fact the very old relatives are really getting smaller but i'm not sure if he worked that out.
in order to keep a check on the gourd my boy started to measure it. we are now onto our third gourd (i told you she learned slowly) and here you can see my boy is carefully recording its dimensions. and you can also see that, according to his measurements it is indeed shrinking. herself pointed out that he might be measuring it at a different point in its tapering physique but the young scientist was adamant that he was not.
in any event, the gourd's days are numbered. some friends of the peeps are coming to stay tonight. roast gourd is on the menu. watch this space...
posted by joker the lurcher at 11:10 am
4 Comments:
the best blog in the universe joker
just laughed so much at the terrible shopping techniques and the strange shrinking gourd.
I must say I marvel at your stoic patience with all of these shinnanegins.... if there was an award to be had - no question you would win it...
in fact, there may be a way you could could claim some kind of recompense for having to live with this madness.
I think I have mentioned the wisdom of finding a good lawyer but if you still want the meat leftovers you may have to continue suffering...
just remember there's always an understanding ear here.
the prose-y way in which you write about all things gourdlike is truly divine...i get the delicious image of you sitting quietly in a corner recording the events as they unfold - with the lion's share of interpretation rattling around in your brain, perhaps unnoticed. except, of course...here.
thank you, dear readers! you have brought warmth to an old lurcher's heart!
HA! I laughed so hard at this I snorted a little.
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